Submissive Girlfriend – How Can I Give Her the Sex She Wants – Ask FEDERICO

Hi Federico!

I have a problem that I would like your take on. Your advice is always very actionable and concrete, which is what this situation calls for. My girlfriend is submissive and she really likes submissive sex.

I’ve never had this kind of sex. Even the porn I watch tends to be very vanilla and soft. If there is a “porn for women” section on the porn site, that’s where you find me. A forgiving light, long kisses, and piano music is my jam.

Just kidding, kind of. I know many women enjoy submissive sex and being dominated by their men. And now, apparently, my own girlfriend is one of them, so I need to step up my game.

We have tried a couple of different things. But things have not been going so well. I feel awkward and self-conscious. Needless to say, I have had problems staying in the role.

It’s not only that the whole thing feels fake to me. This kind of submissive sex does next to nothing for me. If anything, tying up my girlfriend and calling her naughty, makes my dick shrink a little bit.

But I’m crazy about my girlfriend. She is the best and I’m more than willing to work on becoming the kinkiest version of myself I can possibly be.

Where to Start?

How do I start?

Any tips for feeling less awkward and more in the moment?

I might be the most vanilla man on earth, so go gently with me. Though my girlfriend doesn’t care. She is confident that she can deprave me, and I hope she is right.

She doesn’t only enjoy submissive sex, she also enjoys femdom (when the woman is dominating the man). Thus, I’m looking both for tips on how to be more dominating and how to be a good submissive.

But of course, being the one who’s supposed to dominate is the thing I find most difficult.

I’m sure many men struggle with this. I’m a nice guy, it’s not in my nature to dominate and humiliate my girlfriend. Even if it turns her on.

I’m sure there is a way to do this that satisfies us both. And you are the right person to ask.

Bring on the homework.

Alex

My Answer to – Submissive Girlfriend – How Can I Give My Girlfriend the Submissive Sex She Wants

Hi Alex!

First of all, great question. I’m sure my answer can apply to a lot of different situations, not only to submissive sex. Regardless if we enjoy submissive sex or not, we can all benefit from bringing in a more playful and adventurous side to our sex life.

When two people meet each other and fall in love, it’s only natural that their sexual preferences don’t exactly match. We like different things. Simple as that.

To make the sex life work for both parties, there is going to be some giving and some taking. It sounds like you have the right attitude.

You are prepared to try things out, and you are also open to the possibility that you might discover new things about yourself. Keep this open mindset. Maybe you end up discovering different aspects of submissive sex that really turns you on, but that you have never thought about before.

Our sexuality should be a landscape we continue to nurture and explore during our lives.

Start Slowly

In the era of immediacy, sex has its times. The number one enemy of submission and domination practices is impatience. These practices require time, reaching agreements, establishing limits, starting with simple practices. If the aim is to have an incredible experience the first few times, these people may end up getting frustrated and abhorring these games. The most exciting thing about these erotic games is that they are simmered.

You are on the right track with going slowly. If you try to do things that are way out of your comfort zone, it will indeed feel fake and contrived. Try to find things you actually like in the area of submissive sex, or can imagine liking and go from there. Also, discard those things that you have not enjoyed or have made you uncomfortable.

Don’t jump into the deep end straight away. To slowly build your way to kinkier sex is a nice process I’m sure both you and your girlfriend will enjoy. Judging from her comment, this seems to be what she already has in mind. Start out easy and make the approach playful.

First of all, I think you need to re-frame the way you regard dominating and being dominated. These practices are not about violence, but about intense emotions, exploring our vulnerabilities but in a caring environment that allows us to relax and enjoy.

To be dominated is about giving up control to someone that you already trust. Keep this in mind. BDMS is a consensual game where both partners agree to experiment with emotions and sensations and different parts of themselves.

Have a Safe Word

Everything you do must be done in a safe, sensible and consensual manner. Any practice or action during the experience must be accepted by both parties.

Before starting any session a safety word is established that will be known to both parties and when spoken means that the person does not wish to continue with the practice being performed.

This is such a classic advice that it has become a pop-cultural cliché. But there is a reason why this is the first and most important piece of advice.

A safe word will make you know the difference between when she pretends to protest, as a part of the game, and when she wants you to stop, for real. Having a safe word will make you feel absolutely sure that what you are doing is indeed something that turns her on and not something that hurts her. This way, both of you can easily stay in character.

Here are a couple of tips to get you started on becoming more dominating in bed. Don’t let her take off her clothes. Insist that you do it, and you choose if it’s going to be fast or slow. Blindfold her and use a lot of different things to evoke sensations in her. Feathers, ice, whips.

Also, always have an emergency solution. You don’t want to, but sometimes something can go wrong. It would be interesting to have some tools on hand that can get you out of a jam at the right time. A pair of scissors for that knot that won’t come loose, or a small first aid kit with alcohol, bandages, arnica, etc. to soothe the marks of an intense session… It never hurts to be prepared.

Think Differently About Dominating

I will not tire of saying it: the limit is always consensual, and if there is no enjoyment, there is no game. The practice of domination/submission is based on consent and requires a lot of respect and open communication between the people involved.

To be successful with the different techniques, you need to re-frame the way you think about dominating. Instead of pleasure being something you take from her by being dominating, it’s something you give to a submissive girlfriend by being more dominating.

For example, tease her until she becomes so horny she can’t take it anymore and begs you to take the next step. Make her ask you for something and then deny it. Tell her she hasn’t deserved it yet.  

Pull her hair, this can be done in a lot of situations. When you are having sex or during foreplay. Grab her hands and pin them down to the bed. Since it’s hard to both pin down her hand and do a good job teasing her, this is where ropes or handcuffs come in. Tie her or handcuff her to the bed or to a chair.

Take this opportunity to use a sex toy on her, to help make her excited. Bring in a ball gag if she is comfortable with it. Tell her she can’t come. Or that there will be a punishment if she does come.

The same principle goes for dirty talk, start slowly and work up your ability. If you go straight to the non-vanilla stuff, it will indeed feel contrived. Prepare a couple of phrases you feel comfortable saying. Examples of this can be; Do you like it? Do you like how hard my cock feels? You are such a bad little submissive girl, aren’t you?

Within the practice of this discipline, you can also use gags or private elements that do not allow you to see or hear, such as a blindfold. If you add to the initial excitement the fact that you cannot see what is happening around you, the surprise factor will be even greater, and both the sensations and the pleasure will be multiplied.

How to be a Good Submissive

As for being a good submissive. To give power to another person can be a thrilling experience. Give in and enjoy that feeling. Discover what might turn you on by experimenting with being less and more submissive and let your girlfriend punish you.

Your second natural position will be on all fours, like a dog. You must be a sensible, loyal and sincere person. Capable of going beyond your own limits in order to serve your mistress. For it, you must have an open mind and without prejudices, to confront all the requests that they order you. You must be attentive and respectful, always trying to satisfy your dominant. In addition, you must be a clean person and take care of yourself to be ready at all times and for any request. You must be able to listen carefully to details and you must never make mistakes.

Very important: Do not question the orders your girlfriend gives you when she is in the dominant role. The purpose of a Submissive is to serve and satisfy someone who has her fantasies at heart. And this message should be engraved in your head so that you do not question any order or request.

If you feel awkward being submissive and being you, try finding out roles for yourself. Your girlfriend can for example, be your queen, and you can be her slave. Or she can be a lady, and you can be a servant. Find roles that you feel suit you.

Talk Afterwards

In this type of practice, preparation, play and aftercare are equally important. For this reason, you should reserve time and space to talk about the experiences afterwards. Experimenting with different forms of submissive sex can be a powerful experience. When you are done with your playtime, make sure you hug, kiss and share your different emotions regarding what just happened. Give each other plenty of closeness and tenderness.

This should be an experience that brings the two of you closer together. Talking afterward is a way to explore the experience between the two of you and tell each other about different feelings that came up or could come up.

Tips on How to Become More Dominant

Keep on educating yourself, there is a lot of information out there. Read a couple of books and watch some educational videos as well as some exciting videos. If you haven’t already, you can start out by reading the novel that made submissive sex mainstream; Fifty Shades of Grey. Or maybe watch the movie together with your girlfriend.

Here on ThePleasureKeys, we have a good article about Taboo sex, where Joe Nathan gives some great tips on how to become more comfortable with dirty talk. We also have articles about how to take charge in bed as a man and another one with tips on how you can be more aggressive in bed. All of these articles will help you to act with more dominance.

If you’re thinking about getting some BDSM equipment, I recommend you check out our guide on bondage kits.

There are plenty of different ways to play with submissive sex, you should be able to find what suits both of you.

Enjoy the homework!

Federico

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Best of luck
, Joe