Hi Team!
You seem to get a lot of questions regarding likes and dislikes. But I haven’t seen you answer mine. The problem is that my girlfriend doesn’t want to try anal sex.
Hopefully you can help me out. Because I honestly don’t know what to do. Not only does my current girlfriend not want to try it. But my ex-girlfriend also didn’t like anal sex.
I feel cursed.
Now when I think about it, only one of all my girlfriends has liked anal sex. And she happened to be a real idiot, so I couldn’t keep her around for that reason alone.
Jokes aside. Anal sex is a favorite of mine. And the thing is, I can hardly bring up the question of anal sex on the first date. I don’t think it’s third-date material either.
With my current girlfriend, I waited a couple of months before I asked her. By using this strategy I hoped she would feel safe with me before we tried. I was hoping she would regard anal sex as a natural way of developing our sex life.
This didn’t turn out to be the case.
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She Doesn’t Like Something She Never Tried
According to her, my finger is okay, but absolutely nothing bigger than that.
First, she said she didn’t like anal sex. But when I continued to ask, it also turned out she had never tried it.
In fact, she didn’t use to enjoy a finger in her anus either. I’m the first man who has ever been allowed to do that. I consider this progress.
However, at this point, I just want her to give the whole thing a go. Maybe she discovers that it’s not as bad as she thought. Maybe she will even surprise herself and enjoy it.
How can I convince her that she should at least give it a try?
Leo
My Answer to My Girlfriend Doesn’t Want to Try Anal Sex
Hi Leo, thank you for your question. I appreciate the fact that you did give me a lot of material to work with. There is a lot to unpack here.
When we find something sexual that we really like, that thing often becomes important to us. It becomes our special thing and a part of the idealized way we have sex. It sounds like anal sex is one of your special things. It’s important for you.
In any type of sexual practice, it is not a matter of convincing the other person, but of proposing the subject through dialogue. If it is to their liking, aspects related to consensus, which should be bilateral, are reviewed. If the other person says no, it may not be the time to insist on the matter.
Therefore, communication should be clear from the beginning of the relationship. You should be able to talk openly and honestly about your sexual desires and fantasies.
When you have had sex with someone a couple of times, have a casual conversation about your likes and dislikes.
Ask her if there is something specific she enjoys. Maybe it turns out that she also has a special preference, in that case, you are at a good point for continuing the conversation. Tell her you like anal sex. See what she says.
What Women Think About Anal Sex
According to the latest national survey on sex, published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine (2022), approximately 50% of heterosexual couples eventually practice anal intercourse, according to various statistics that highlight that 10% do it with some regularity and declaring that the practice is pleasurable and satisfactory. Therefore, it seems that women are at least curious about this modality of penetration and half of them dare to practice it, although only a fifth of them incorporate it into their regular sexual practices.
The people who don’t like anal sex tend to be pretty vocal about their dislike. Here is another good article about what different women think and feel regarding anal. It can give you a deeper understanding of why your girlfriend doesn’t want to try anal sex.
Our anus is a very sensitive and personal part of our body. It’s through that channel we get rid of the waste from the process that gives us life.
Remember that the anus is an erogenous zone as valid as any other, but for moral, educational, religious or simple taste reasons it is not pleasurable for everyone, each person has their own preferences and limits, it is not universally satisfactory. Respect and assertive communication are key to maintaining a healthy and pleasurable relationship. Let everything we do be for pleasure and not to please.
These practices are still taboo, and it is important to mention that the anus has no gender or sexual orientation, in fact it is the democratic erogenous zone par excellence, since we all have one. It’s also generally classified as more forbidden to have anal sex, thus for the ones that enjoy it, it’s exciting to cross the line and have taboo sex.
Analyze and Communicate
When it comes to exploring sexual scripts with others, assertive communication is critical. Consensus and consent are essential: conveying to others that the comfort, well-being and satisfaction of all parties are a priority.
It’s good if you spend some time analyzing your preference so you better can explain to your girlfriend why it’s important to you. What is it that in your mind separates anal sex from other types of sex? Exactly why does it give you pleasure?
Bring up those different points in a discussion between you and your girlfriend. And listen to her point of view also. If she has any hesitations, for example, hygienic ones, make sure you calm her and explain how it works. Therefore, researching the topic and sharing information will help to better understand it. If she understands why it’s truly special to you, maybe she would want to give it a go.
Joe Nathan actually has a very extensive section about anal sex in The Master Key. You should check it out.
If your girlfriend opens up to the possibility of giving it a go, it’s important that you do it the healthy and responsible way. This will ensure that you both have an enjoyable experience.
How would you feel experimenting with something you don’t like?
Anal sex is one of those things that, when done wrong, it’s really terrible.
Just take a minute or two and think about what you would feel if your girlfriend strapped on a dildo and rammed you hard in your anus. No warm-up. While you were standing on all four.
I’m sure for some men, this little thought experiment seems really exciting, but I would guess for a majority of men, it seems scary. This fear is exactly what your girlfriend is feeling. Combined with the moral taboo associated with anal sex.
Although it is important to mention that the anus has no gender or sexual orientation, in fact it is the democratic erogenous zone par excellence since all people have one. We must demystify that receptive anal practice suggests a certain sexual orientation, if you are a person with a penis and you enjoy the stimulation of your own anus, this data says absolutely nothing about your gender identity or sexual affective orientation.
Therefore, listening to other people’s concerns and fears is strictly necessary: if someone does not feel comfortable with the idea, respect their decision and look for other forms of sexual satisfaction that everyone enjoys.
Time to time
If you and your girlfriend are sexually adventurous and both open to the idea, you could also try out her giving you anal sex with her finger.
If that’s not your cup of tea, just continue to do a great job with your finger and her anal, as long as it continues to be a practice you both enjoy. If she is willing, you can also try licking her anus, which is known as “black kissing” or “rimming”. This way, she will get used to having you around this very sensitive part, and she can see that you really adore her anus. That it’s not disgusting but actually very sensual to you.
While doing all this, also make sure you don’t pressure her. In the end, it’s her decision, and you trying to change that is only going to make her resent you. If your girlfriend really doesn’t want to try anal sex, you should respect that.
If she does agree to try it, remember to be gentle, lots of lube and lots of foreplay, and make it an intimate experience. You don’t want her to have a bad first time. Anal sex requires patience, preparation and relaxation.
Enjoy a full, pleasurable and healthy sex life!
Good luck!
Federico
How to Become Amazing in Bed
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I’m Joe Nathan, the creator of The Pleasure Keys. Way before I started the website, I learned that sex is a skill, and just like any other skill, it can be improved to perfection.
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Best of luck
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