How to Get Rid of Jealousy in a Relationship – Ask Olivia

Hi Olivia

During the last few years I’ve been dealing with a big problem, I’ve been trying to get rid of my jealousy. All though I’ve been working on it, I just can’t get it to go away.

To be blunt, I’m a really jealous person. Trust me I know how terrible and unsympathetic this quality is. My jealousy has destroyed more than one of my past relationships. As you can understand, this has been a huge problem for me.

I’m pretty sure it all started when I was a lot younger. I had a girlfriend cheating on me. I found out about them by walking in on them. In action! I know. It was exactly as terrible as it sounds.

Time Hasn’t Helped

However, that was when I was in my twenties. I should be able to move on, right? I should have been able to get rid of my jealousy a long time ago.

But my jealousy is still very bad. In all my relationships since it happened, there has been a lot of conflict surrounding this. I have been too controlling, and in the end, my girlfriends have become fed up with me because I don’t trust them.

My parents had a messy divorce, they still hate each other. I don’t want to end up like them. Old, alone and bitter. Although it’s not exactly about sex, it’s really affecting my relationships, which affects my sex life. So it would be interesting to hear your opinion on how I can deal with the problem. I really need it. Especially since I met someone I really like.    

She’s Awesome and Still Haven’t Seen my Jealous side

We have only been on three dates so far (which maybe is good since she hasn’t seen my dark side yet). But we’ve been following each other on Insta and Twitter for quite a while. I desperately don’t want to fuck this one up.

She is very beautiful, with long blonde hair, blue eyes, and a great body! On top of that, she is also super smart and funny, basically every man’s dream. She will always have lots of options and a lot of men hitting on her. I already know this will be difficult for me to deal with. It feels like a mission impossible.

Sometimes I think I just should accept my insecurity and settle for someone less attractive. I know that if I don’t get rid of my jealousy I will lose her.

What should I do?

Lukas

My Answer to How to Get Rid of Jealousy in a Relationship

Hi Lukas!

Realizing that there is a problem is the first step toward a solution. First, let me start by saying, there is absolutely a way to get rid of your jealousy. The way to do this is to work on your problem so that it becomes manageable.

Obviously you have had some less-than-ideal experiences in your past. But as you point out, it’s important to realize that the past should not dictate your future. It should not ruin your chances of having a healthy relationship.

I absolutely think you can overcome this.

Jealousy is an interesting thing. There is something primal about it. The fear of being betrayed, deselected, or deceived, goes all the way to our early childhood. When we are children, we don’t have any other choice than to put our trust in our parents. If we would be abandoned by them, we would die. Jealousy channels this deep-rooted fear of abandonment and ultimately death. That’s why it’s such a powerful feeling to be up against.

Defeat Your Enemy

However, you are a grown-up now, and even if your girlfriend chooses someone else over you, you will still be okay. You will not starve to death.

That can sound like a dramatic statement, but when dealing with a problem, it’s good to know exactly how powerful the problem can be. Knowing how deep this feeling goes makes you understand why it’s so all-consuming and so hard to overcome.

Since you probably experience the feeling of jealousy very often, it also means you have plenty of opportunities to practice how to handle the feeling. You have to experiment with different solutions and find the ones that suit you best, the ones that stop you from being a slave to your feelings.

Because this is what it all comes down to, you, your feelings, and your reaction to them. To learn how to deal with your jealousy, you can experiment with the following strategies.

Five Strategies for Getting Rid of Jealousy in a Relationship

Strategy 1. Distance Yourself From Your Feelings.

Observe your feelings, but try to distance yourself from them. This can be really hard to do. Because the moment when we experience a powerful feeling, especially one connected to our survival, it can be very blinding, out of-control, forest fire. But with practice, this will become easier. You will learn to separate yourself from your feelings.

Instead of going over the jealousy script running in your brain, stop your thought and tell yourself; You are not your feelings. Keep repeating this until its sticks.

Try meditation to deepen this point. In meditation, we observe the feeling or thought that happens to come up, and then we let it go. You have to do this with your jealousy. This is the first step to getting rid of your jealousy.

Your Jealous Feelings are not the Truth

The second step of this method is to acknowledge that your feelings don’t reflect the truth. You might have thoughts like; she’s flirting with someone else, she prefers him, she’s going to betray me, she’s leaving me.

This is your mind jumping to conclusions. It’s not the truth. Gently remind yourself that the two of you have a healthy, loving relationship built on trust.

Strategy 2. Ask Yourself What you are Trying to Achieve.

Jealousy is a way to protect ourselves. But it’s a misdirected way that doesn’t serve its purpose. Jealousy is a coping strategy, but ask yourself what you try to achieve with your jealousy. How does this strategy serve your purpose?

When you think about the end result, you shift the focus to something much more. You force yourself to see the bigger picture. Clever as you are, I’m sure you realize that the only thing you will achieve by being jealous, is pushing the woman in question away from you.

Give your jealousy some time and space, and she will probably start thinking that you are right, you are not enough for her, and that she can easily find someone better.

Jealousy Hurts the Relationship

It’s funny how these things sometimes become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

By being jealous, we are trying to protect ourselves from hurt by eliminating threats that might not even be there yet. But in doing so, we invite mistrust and insecurity into our relationship. And those things are like a plague that makes the whole thing rot.

Strategy 3. Don’t Act On Your Feelings

You can’t control your feelings, however you can control your actions. Don’t sulk, don’t accuse her, don’t start interrogating her. Instead, write a list of all the ways you have acted as a result of your feeling of jealousy in the past.

Analyze all your different actions, and decide never to do any of them again. This won’t be easy. You will have setbacks. You will fall back into old negative patterns. Nevertheless, it will get easier every time you do it, just like any exercise program. Keep reminding yourself that you control your actions. And your actions should be those that best serve your purpose.

Strategy 4. Accept the Truth

Another way of getting rid of your jealousy is to accept the truth. Your girlfriend might meet someone else, she might fall in love with him. She might even be unfaithful. She could leave you, have his kids, and live happily ever after with him, not you.

That’s the monster under the bed. However you are a grown-up now. You can pull out the monster and take a good look. I recommend a thorough examination. Admit that she is not yours, she never was yours, and she will never be. The fact is she is her own person, thus she’s free to walk away whenever she chooses.

No one has an obligation to stay with us. She is even allowed to choose someone else over you. This is up to her.

You will be sad if she does this. It will hurt a lot. However, sadness is a part of life. Look your worst fear in the eyes and decide that you are going to be okay no matter what. You will deal with it when it happens, and who knows, maybe even come out stronger on the other side.

Strategy 5. Get Rid of the Jealousy by Improving your Self Esteem

Jealousy is often, but not always, a sign of low self-esteem. That’s the bad news. The good news is that you can work on your self-esteem. In fact, it’s something you should consciously choose to work on from this point until the point you take your last breath.

You don’t only need good self-esteem to deal with your jealousy, you need it for all the situations that will come up in life. Good self-esteem will serve you well in every aspect of your life, and you will have plenty of time to thank yourself for improving one of life’s most crucial qualities. Here are some good resources to start out with, try this and this.

Since we are here at The Pleasure Keys, I’m also going to suggest that you work on improving your sex skills. Being awesome in bed will definitely boost your self-esteem.

You will get to know exactly what your new girl likes, and you will be able to do things that drive her wild. You will feel like you are in a position to offer her things no other man is capable of. Start out light by checking out this post on sex tips for men.

Don’t be Afraid to Try Therapy

Improving your self-esteem can also be done on your own or together with a good therapist. Considering the fact that your jealousy has already affected your life in a negative way, therapy might be the best idea.

If you, for some reason, don’t want to seek professional help, make a plan for yourself on how you should improve your self-esteem month by month. Read a couple of books on the subject, and listen to podcasts. You will learn a lot about the value you put in yourself in different kinds of situations. This will help you become a less jealous person.

Go get that monster and good luck!

Oliva

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