How to Get Rid of Jealousy in a Relationship

During the last few years I’ve been dealing with a big problem, I’ve been trying to get rid of my jealousy. All though I’ve been working on it, I just can’t get it to go away.

To be blunt, I’m a really jealous person. Trust me, I know how terrible and unsympathetic this quality is. My jealousy has destroyed more than one of my past relationships. As you can understand, this has been a huge problem for me.

I’m pretty sure it all started when I was a lot younger. I had a girlfriend cheating on me. I found out about them by walking in on them. In action! I know. It was exactly as terrible as it sounds.

Time hasn’t helped

However, that was when I was in my twenties. I should be able to move on, right? I should have been able to get rid of my jealousy a long time ago.

But my jealousy is still very bad. In all my relationships since it happened, there has been a lot of conflict surrounding this. I have been too controlling, and in the end, my girlfriends have become fed up with me because I don’t trust them.

My parents had a messy divorce, they still hate each other. I don’t want to end up like them. Old, alone and bitter. Although it’s not exactly about sex, it’s really affecting my relationships, which affects my sex life. So it would be interesting to hear your opinion on how I can deal with the problem. I really need it. Especially since I met someone I really like.    

She’s awesome and still haven’t seen my jealous side

We have only been on three dates so far (which maybe is good since she hasn’t seen my dark side yet). But we’ve been following each other on Insta and Twitter for quite a while. I desperately don’t want to fuck this one up.

She is very beautiful, with long blonde hair, blue eyes, and a great body! On top of that, she is also super smart and funny, basically every man’s dream. She will always have lots of options and a lot of men hitting on her. I already know this will be difficult for me to deal with. It feels like a mission impossible.

Sometimes I think I just should accept my insecurity and settle for someone less attractive. I know that if I don’t get rid of my jealousy I will lose her.

What should I do?

Lukas
34 years old
CIS Man
Orlando, FL

My answer to “how to get rid of jealousy in a relationship?“

Hi Lukas! I’m Beste, certified psychologist from ThePleasureKeys and I’ll try to answer your very well elaborated question.

Recognizing that there is a problem is an essential first step toward finding a solution. It’s important to acknowledge that overcoming jealousy is possible. By addressing this issue, you can manage it effectively.

It’s clear that you’ve had some challenging experiences in your past. However, it’s crucial to understand that the past doesn’t have to dictate your future. These experiences shouldn’t prevent you from having a healthy relationship moving forward.

I’m confident that you can overcome these feelings. Jealousy is a complex emotion with deep roots. It often stems from a primal fear of being betrayed, rejected, or deceived. This fear can trace back to early childhood when our survival depended on our parents’ care and trust. The thought of being abandoned as a child is terrifying because it could mean our very survival was at risk. Jealousy taps into this deep-seated fear of abandonment, making it an incredibly powerful emotion to confront.

Acknowledge and keep track of your emotions

Start by journaling your feelings of jealousy to understand their roots. For example, when you feel jealous, note down what happened, what triggered it, and how you felt. This can help you identify specific triggers and develop strategies to cope with them. If seeing a social media post makes you feel jealous, consider why that post is so triggering for you.

Build your self-esteem

Boosting your self-esteem can help you feel better about yourself. This can include regular exercise, healthy eating, and using positive affirmations. For example, remind yourself daily of your strengths: “I am capable, successful, and valuable.” Learning new skills or pursuing a hobby can also enhance your self-confidence.

Communicate openly with your partner

Share your feelings honestly but constructively. For instance, you could say, “I know I’ve struggled with jealousy in the past because of a past trauma, and I’m working on it. I need support.” This transparency can help your partner understand what you’re going through and provide better support.

Seek professional help

Working with a therapist can help you develop specific strategies to manage jealousy. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be particularly helpful in identifying and challenging negative thought patterns. In therapy sessions, you can learn how to develop healthier thoughts in specific situations.

Set boundaries and respect space

Setting boundaries in your relationship can help manage feelings of jealousy. For example, clearly define acceptable interactions on social media with others. This could involve a conversation like, “It makes me uncomfortable when you frequently interact with other men on Instagram. Can we agree on some boundaries?” Additionally, rather than constantly checking your partner’s social media accounts, agree on a boundary framework within which to operate.

Build trust

Trust takes time and effort from both partners. To build trust, keep your commitments and be honest. For example, showing up on time for dates or being truthful during important conversations can reinforce trust.

Challenge negatice thoughts

When you start feeling jealous, challenge those thoughts. For instance, if you think, “Is my partner interested in someone else?” ask yourself, “What concrete evidence do I have for this thought?” or “Is this feeling based on reality, or is it stemming from a past experience?” Such questions can help you evaluate your jealous feelings more objectively.

Develop healthy coping strategies

When feelings of jealousy arise, find healthy ways to cope. For example, try deep breathing or meditation. Alternatively, engage in an activity that helps you relax, like taking a walk, engaging in a favorite hobby, or talking to a friend.

Focus on the positives

Concentrate on the positive aspects of your partner and your relationship. For example, remember the loving things your partner does for you and the good times you’ve shared. Focusing on the positives can help strengthen your emotional bond and counteract negative feelings.

Go get that monster and good luck!

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