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Hi Olivia!
I’m in a situation I’m sure most men think they would love. My girlfriend wants to have sex all the time. And by all the time I mean up to three times every day. I simply don’t have time for this, and to be honest, I just don’t have that much lust and desire either.
At first, I didn’t think her behavior was strange. We had just met, we were in love and we had sex all the time. It was great.
But now it’s been more than a year. We have moved in together. Her sexual appetite doesn’t seem to slow down. Even after all this time, my girlfriend wants to have sex all the time. I’m often late for work. And when I do arrive to work, I’m sleep deprived because we also stayed up and had sex the night before.
When we come home from whatever activity we have done, even if it’s after midnight, she still wants to have sex. I have tried to adjust my schedule as much as possible, but this whole thing is turning into a big turn-off.
Ironic, I know.
I Don’t Know What to Do
Sometimes I find her advances unpleasant and inappropriate. I try to tell her it’s not the right situation or that I’m not in the mood. She calls me boring or a prude.
Other times she manages to really turn me one, and we end up having great sex. I understand that it’s not easy for her to understand when it’s right and when it’s not right. I don’t know myself. Nevertheless, I do know I can’t keep this phase up.
I love my girl, but I’m starting to think something is wrong with the way she relates to sex. Surely, it cannot be normal that my girlfriend wants to have sex all the time. There is something a bit desperate and unhealthy over the whole thing. Like she is trying to push away other negative emotions or problems with sex.
However, in every other aspect, she is a very nice person.
I’m thinking about breaking up with her, but before I do that, is there anything else I can do?
What do you think about the situation?
Leon
My answer to my girlfriend wants to have sex all the time
Hi Leon!
Thank you for your question. ¨Dyschronaxia” is a term often used to refer to the situation you describe: one partner wants to have sex more often than the other. It is usually a very common problem, little known, and the solution will depend on the communication you can build.
It is true that in a first stage of falling in love, possibly the frequency of sexual encounters is high due to a hormonal issue, but as time goes by it tends to decrease. This does not seem to be the situation with your girlfriend.
On the other hand, a lower sex drive than his partner can be a stigma for a man. The reason for this lies in the mandates of hegemonic masculinity: men are expected to be always ready for sex, always ready like a boy scout, to be conquerors (the more conquests, the more enviable). Masculinity is associated with an insatiable sexual appetite.
Of course, this is not true. The sex drive in men, as well as women, varies. It even varies in the same person, throughout the day. There are as many desire patterns as there are people in the world.
Some men want to have sex every day, while others are perfectly happy with sex once a week, or even once a month. Men also have the right not to be in the mood without being ridiculed and pressured.
It seems like you and your girlfriend already have an ongoing conversation about your boundaries. This is a good start. Although I must say, her behavior when it comes to communication seems a bit out of line. More of this later.
The first and most important solution to this problem is an open dialogue where both partners feel heard and respected. When talking about sex, as in other aspects of the relationship, it is necessary to actively listen, not to invalidate what the other person feels, but on the contrary, to try to understand what the other person is saying.
Talk About Sex
Both of you have to be able to talk about sex and your feelings regarding it. And I don’t mean one single conversation over coffee. I mean talking about it often. Sex is a big part of every relationship. To keep the relationship happy and healthy, you have to both be satisfied with the sex life, and the way to achieve this is by communication.
During these conversations, you should explain your feelings as calmly as possible. Since sex is so intervened with love and validation, make sure you explain that it’s not about her. It’s about you and your needs, about being able to listen to yourself. You don’t reject her.
The only way for you to understand what’s going on with your girlfriend is to listen to her. Ask her exactly what need sex is satisfying in her.
Maybe it’s a need for intimacy and a deep emotional connection or maybe a need for adventure and excitement. Could it then be possible that those needs can be satisfied another way? Ask her about this. Examples could be cuddling in front of a movie or participating in an adrenaline-filled activity you both enjoy.
Remove the ghosts that silence generates, and realize that by talking and generating an exchange, problems are usually clarified and solved, or at least the anguish diminishes.
Be Constructive
However, don’t play the amateur therapist. Instead, view this problem as an opportunity to get to know your girlfriend. What makes her tick, on a deeper level? What is it that satisfies her? Not only when it comes to sex, but as a human being with a vast array of different needs.
You probably need professional help to guide you on this path of self-knowledge and exploration of the relationship. Do not hesitate to seek help if you feel you need it.
Over email, it’s hard to diagnose a normal sex drive versus what borders to compulsive behavior. It’s not the amount of sex per se, that will tilt the scale one way or another.
I can imagine a woman wanting a lot of sex and still being happy and healthy in her approach. Just really, genuinely crazy about her man. I can also imagine that your girlfriend’s sex drive is in fact, a way for her to make herself feel better in a way that’s simply not healthy.
One thing is clear, it is already affecting her relationship with you in a negative way. This is one of the ways to diagnose addiction. An addiction is something that has a negative effect on interpersonal relationships, it is something that begins to bring difficulties for the person going through it.
Solutions
There is a variety of ways partners with different sex drives can deal with this problem. The problem in itself is very common. Possibly a fluid and sincere dialogue will help a lot. After the dialogue, some keys may appear to achieve balance and discover why it is so difficult. The solution will come from the couple themselves, but the important thing is to commit to try to find it.
Enriching the erotic repertoire
She can masturbate, for example, on her own, or while you are watching her and holding her. At certain times the two of you can agree that you use your hands or mouth to satisfy her. In addition to this, different types of sex toys can also be a good idea to increase the couple’s erotic repertoire and as a resource for her to masturbate alone.
Having a good time
The stress to comply or to solve the problem can lead to apathy and resignation. Find other spaces for intimacy. Go out together, enjoy activities that you both like, have a massage in the morning just to pamper yourselves a little. Relaxing often will make things flow in a different way, without pressure.
Remember Your Borders
However, make sure you feel where your border is regarding what type of sex feels appropriate for you and satisfying for her. Don’t push yourself to satisfy her beyond what you feel comfortable with.
Always remember that it’s your body, and you have the right to decide what you should do with it. If you don’t listen to your feelings regarding this, you will feel like you are being taken advantage of. And you may become resentful of your girlfriend for not respecting you.
Approach the situation as a problem the two of you have been tasked to solve together. It’s not her problem, and it’s not your problem. She is not at fault for being horny all the time. Another man could appreciate exactly this quality in his girlfriend.
You are equally not at fault for not wanting to have sex all the time. You have other passions, other ways you want to unwind after a long workday. People come with different preferences, and seldom is this clearer than when it comes to the amount of sex we want to have.
In addition, also make sure you check out my answer regarding how a man can get his wife in the mood more often. Sure, there is a difference between wanting to get someone in the mood, and not wanting to feel pressured into sex you don’t want to have. But the way you approach the problem is similar. Empathy and communication.
The Right Way to Communicate
Now when I have presented you with different solutions to your problem that your girlfriend wants to have sex all the time. I’m going to circle back to your girlfriend’s communication style. Because, quite frankly, this part of your email worries me. It sounds like she is not behaving in a respectful way.
You should not be called boring or a prude for not wanting to have sex. Those words are a punishment and also a form of character assassination that doesn’t belong in healthy communication.
Read a couple of blog posts about clean fighting versus dirty fighting. I suggest you show her the concept and see what she says. Not as an attack, but as a way the two of you can improve your communication style.
If she reacts badly to your suggestion, and if she continues to try and put you down for not wanting to have sex all the time, then this unfortunately is a big red flag. We should be in a relationship with someone who respects us and makes us feel safe and loved. Not someone who punishes us when we don’t give them what they want.
Good luck with your girlfriend and the communication.
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Good luck,
Joe
